User blog:Doryuku/If you get worried about what others think a lot, read this
Hi. I know this will be weird, seeing as I don't yet know a lot of people on this wiki, but I hope this helps somebody. It all started one day when I was in kindergarten. Most people have happy memories of kindergarten, fun times playing with other kids and not having a care in the world. My experience was much different. Me and my friend, Arianna (yes, this is her real name), we're playing in the backyard of my house. We hear her mom come to pick her up. Arianna didn't want to go home, so she told me we should hide in her mom's car. I agreed. We walked out the back gate and sat in her mother's car. After that, I remember a blur of images. The car door's silver handle and black leather seats. The screams of my mother and yelling. So much yelling. My mom screamed at me, "What were you thinking? We were worried!" After that, Arianna stopped playing with me. She wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't play with me. One time, I asked her to play with me and she said, maybe later. Days later, I reminded her, and instead of playing with me, she told me these exact words; "It's like we're friends, but we're not." After that, I became incredibly sad. Straight-up depression, I think. Normally, I would have made friends and it would have gone away. But at that time I was also scared everyone would hate me. So I made up an imaginary friend, but it wasn't like other kids' imaginary friends because I knew she wasn't real and wanted so desperately to believe it that I tried to lie to myself in order to be happy. And I was five. '' Around November, I met a girl called Emma, We became friends fast, but it was no happy ending. Emma was a fake friend who bullied me and pushed me around for years. I dreamed of standing up for myself and getting out of the toxic friendship, but I had nobody else to hang out with. In fourth grade, Emma stopped hanging out with me and hung out with someone else instead. ''Oh, silly, just because she is friends with her doesn't mean she's not friends with you! No. I was alone. I started trying to socialize and make other friends. I met two people who I'm now still friends with, but ever since kindergarten I've had this sadness sort of inside me, and I've had extreme social anxiety. I can't connect with anyone because of this, and nobody gets me. I try talking about my problems, but it comes out like some sort of sick joke, like how people say they're 'dead inside' and then laugh about it. It sounds dumb when I try and explain why I'm sad. Now, I'm in middle school. My friends are in different classes, and they barely notice me anymore. And now one of them's switching schools and the other actually doesn't like me anymore. Nobody sees it, but it pours out of me like a flood. I'll cry at the smallest things and when that's not happening I can't seem to feel. I was isolated, and this summer my grandpa died and the sadness I had dammed up in me came pouring out. Nobody notices me in school, or even acknowledges my existence. I want someone to be there for me, but nobody's going to be there because I can't face my own stupid fears. I've heard people sometimes turn to drugs or suicide, but I can't picture doing that. All I want is to be happy, not feel more pain. I know that life could be so much worse, but I've tried it before and I know thinking that I don't deserve to be able to cry, that I should just get over it and plaster a smile onto my face and keep going like this, is not going to help. If you've had an experience anything like mine, I'm so sorry. Just know you're not alone. It'll be okay, and someday we'll all get our happy ending. Category:Blog posts